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[00:00:05] Hello and welcome back to the podcast. It's like a rainy day in New York, and I'm actually feeling the energy of batching a couple of episodes, so I wanna jump right into the next topic. Because last week we talked about having it all. And I was reflecting on the fact, and I've been wanting to share this on the podcast... because I think part of what drains our energy is when we are carrying around a huge mental load. And I wanna talk about this because I think that, again, one of the biggest energy leaks that we have is when we're sort of carrying around a mental to-do list and we're constantly feeling like we're not getting it done. It's like a never ending list of things that holds us back from feeling productive, accomplished, like we're doing enough.
[00:01:09] And I have an amazing story for this, because I will never forget the day that I realized how much mental load I was carrying. Because I think that there are the things that we know we're carrying, the things that we're clocking that are for us, that feel like they are things we want to be giving our time and energy to. And then I also think there are things that we as women carry unintentionally. Things that I know for a fact my husband does not think about, ever in his life. And whether that comes from your upbringing, societal norms, where I think women have this tendency to be nice or helpful or wanna be really supportive.... we can overextend ourselves in ways that we start carrying other people's responsibilities, their emotions, their tasks in a way that just isn't a requirement.
[00:02:15] And so I wanna talk about this because, again, in the spirit of having it all, the only way that becomes possible is if we're actually aware of how we're using our energy and our mental bandwidth, and if we're giving ourselves permission, like with our computer processors, like clearing the cookies or the cache or whatever, we have to be willing to let things go. And that requires creating a new relationship to releasing it.
[00:02:47] Because at first, when you start doing this, when you start releasing responsibility for other people's things, it might feel negative. It might feel like you're being selfish, like you're being a bad person. It's gonna go against everything that you know to be true about yourself, at first. Especially if you're the kind of person that associates doing good things for other people, like being generous, kind, over giving, if you associate that as something positive. And this goes into another concept that I teach Internal Incongruency where we don't want to, I don't think anyone wants to do behaviors or act a certain way if that's gonna mean something negative.
[00:03:38] So this is your opportunity to become really aware of what you've been carrying in your mind and where you can lighten the load. Okay. So it's almost like, I know we all use the example of like having a million tabs open and being willing to close them. And so there's a couple ways we can do this. We can start making decisions really cleanly and clearly we can be willing to say, I'm thinking about this now or I'm not.
[00:04:11] So let me just give you the story that really for me, like I remember the moment I finally stopped taking over responsibility for other people's things. And this happened because I was starting to become aware of it, but then I really just like, I really saw how I kept carrying other people's things and tracking other people's things, just way past my own desire to do it. Like I wasn't conscious of it at first.
[00:04:43] And so this happened to me years ago when I was in a mastermind with coaches from all over the world, and I was in this mastermind for a year. And we of course have peers and you know, with peer coach and we'd have weekly calls. All of the things. Now I remember a woman texting me and she asked me like a very simple question that seems like maybe it seemed very normal, even in I think past moments. It would feel very normal to me. But she asked me where something was in the portal. And I literally just had like an explosive fight with my ex. We weren't getting along. It felt like I was in the midst of a shit storm and she asks me, actually, I wanna read it verbatim. Because I think it's so funny how I was experiencing it, and I think that we do this often.
[00:05:45] So anyways, my friend asked me, where is this thing on the site? And I was in the middle of this shit storm and I said, hey lady, not in front of my computer. Don't know off the top of my head.
[00:05:59] And she responded, "All good. Just text me later if you see it. I'm not in a major rush." And I was like, I don't have capacity to take care of you right now.
[00:06:13] And I think that as women, or at least up until then, I had been the kind of person that if someone asked me about something, I would track it. I would clock it. I would've like held onto her request until I got back home. I would've like consciously, actively looked for it so that I could be of service to her. To get brownie points as a good person, I would've literally held onto that and figured it out and like went back and be like, oh, okay. I gotta remember that when I get back home. I've gotta look up this thing and I gotta find it for this person.
[00:06:50] And because I was in the midst of what felt like rage, shit storm, discomfort in my own life, I realize this is not something I want to carry. My response, "maybe post in the group, don't want to take on the mental commitment of remembering."
[00:07:10] And I remember what a big breakthrough this was for me because I think, again, up until then, I would've resented her asking, and I would've been annoyed that I had one more thing to add onto my plate. And something about where I was in my emotional state and in the work I was doing with my coaches at the time, I was just like, yeah, no, no. Like there was nothing actually wrong about her asking, like I don't have a judgment of her character in that moment, but I was just like, absolutely not. Text me later? No, I can't hold onto this. So I literally said, don't wanna take on the mental commitment of remembering.
[00:07:59] And literally within the same minute she responded, "Will do. I found it. Thanks."
[00:08:08] And I want you to imagine how many times you do this literal thing in your own life. Again, I think I did this so often, that when I finally was like, what? You could just tell people no. And like the request doesn't have to be on my shoulders. I don't have to be burdened by the weight of the world or these things that other people are asking me to find out. Not only did it free me from the responsibility, it also made me more available and aware of where I could take more responsibility in my own life.
[00:08:46] Because I think it is, it can seem easier to ask someone else who would know, versus asking myself to be more resourceful. Asking someone else, oh, how do you, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Instead of just being the person who says, I'm looking for information, let me go find it. Now I think this is slightly different, and I wanna say this out loud, because if you are the kind of person that refuses asking for help, like that's not necessarily what I'm talking about, right? Like if this person had reached out to me and said, Hey, I'm really in a tough spot. Like, you know, something that was important that I wanted to make myself available for, I absolutely would've. But this kind of like admin request that someone else had of me was not really mine to own. Right? Like, and I think those are different circumstances. So make sure you're not hearing me and like all or nothing thinking, this isn't like be a good person or don't. This is about helping you identify where you are taking things on that are not yours to carry. And also being aware of where you're over-relying on someone else to get back to you, like if you feel like, oh, I need this information before I could move forward, but so and so hasn't answered me yet. Like, where in your life could you also be more resourceful to clear your own mental load?
[00:10:19] It's like, oh, if I need to research hotels so I can make a decision about where I wanna stay, like if I'm still waiting for my partner to go look up those hotels and they haven't done it, I either get to close the tab and be done with it. I don't have to resent that they haven't gotten back to me. Or I could say, you know what? It'll be faster if I do it. Let me just look up three possible solutions and present them to my partner. We get to see where we're like leaning on people and we also get to see where we can let go of carrying things that are not ours. I think it goes both ways.
[00:10:55] And so when it comes to mental load, again, there's lots of ways we can be thinking about this for ourselves. If we have, I call them open loops. If we have a ton of open decision loops or open things that we're thinking about, we're carrying that along with us every day. And whether we're consciously thinking about it or not, we're giving energy to the fact that something is still left undecided.
[00:11:23] And so when it comes to other people, just like I said to this friend, I was like, yeah, I'm not gonna take on the mental commitment of remembering this. Like that to me in that moment felt like the bitchiest thing I could have said. And I actually think, looking back, I said it in a way that was quite neutral. But it was like, yeah, I can't commit to this right now. Right. Think about how it would feel if you were willing to go through the discomfort of feeling uncomfortable or a little bitchy to start developing the skill of saying no. Like when you really are not available to help someone, answer a question, whatever it is. Like if the answer is, I don't have the capacity to do this, what would change if you started being willing to just express that? And let go of the guilt or the shame or the responsibility of not being able to help in that moment.
[00:12:16] What would be different if you didn't keep 20 tabs open? But every time a decision came up, you actually engaged with whatever needed to be addressed. I started doing this in so many ways in my life and it changed. Everything in such a profound way. If I pick up the mail, I process it immediately. Like I don't put it in a pile to get to later. If something needs to be put away, I don't put it down on the chair for later to clean it up. And now I'm not shaming you or making you wrong if that's your current processing system, but I think that's how things get backed up. We tell ourselves I'll get to that later, I'll do it later when it would take less time to do it now. Even if it's uncomfortable.
[00:13:04] I coached one of my clients through this when they were looking at headshots and they had to pick out the selects that they wanted to edit. It was like they kept putting it off, putting it off, because they're like, oh, this thing is gonna take a lot of time. I'll do it later. But then they were carrying the mental load of like, oh I still have to choose my headshot. Right. Where in your life would it be simpler, how would it reduce your mental load if you weren't thinking about doing something for the next week, but instead you just took the 15, 20 minutes to do it now? Also, what would be different if you weren't waiting on other people, but if you start taking action on the things that matter to you now? All of these things will help lighten your mental load.
[00:13:49] And the other thing that I think really lightens your mental load is when you're not overthinking about things that you said, conversations that you had. I used to do this all the time, if I would leave a dinner or leave a hangout with friends, I would like call my best friend on the side and be like, oh my gosh, like was that too much? Did I say like, blah, blah, blah. Like, what did you think? Was that like rude? I would do this debrief in a way that made me feel more comfortable about my behavior instead of learning the tools to know, like I love who I am. I'm allowed to say what I say. I don't have to overanalyze other people's emotions, reactions. I can really just be relaxed about life, and I can close that experience when that experience has ended. I don't have to spend my current present moment thinking about the past or hyper projecting into the future. Like that also freed up a lot of mental load. When I wasn't afraid or judging myself or analyzing my own behaviors or even other people, right? It's like, oh, that was the experience that happened. That's how it was supposed to happen. I can feel complete. I can feel safe and trust my behavior or trust how I spoke. Like I think those are things and skill sets we can build to also reduce mental load.
[00:15:16] One way you can find out what you're carrying in your brain right now is just doing a thought download. My coach had me do this. She had me make a list of all the things that I was keeping tabs on. And then I just went through and I started realizing like what is in my control or what isn't, what can I do something about, what can I let go of? And I just started training myself to have the discipline and just the habit, the practice, the chosen behavior of addressing things as they come up. Even if that is responding to a text message when I get it, even if that requires looking at my calendar and figuring out when I'm available, like doing that in the moment, reduces the mental load of thinking about, oh yeah, I've gotta get back to my friend about scheduling.
[00:16:08] Write it all out. See what you can let go of and really see what is not yours to carry and be willing to let it go. And then start developing the skills and the thinking that aligns you with the identity of trusting other people to be capable of handling their things.
[00:16:28] Just like I was like, yeah, no, I'm not gonna take on the mental commitment of remembering this. Maybe post in the group, right? Like I still offered my friend a solution that ended up not being a big deal. But I do remember so vividly when I was like, oh, oh, I've been taking all of this on for so long and that's why I've been salty, resentful, and like annoyed by the things that I'm choosing to do in my life. Because in many ways I was taking things on that I didn't want to. And this is your opportunity to see that you also don't have to. Okay.
[00:17:08] I feel like this one is gonna be a game changer, reducing your mental load, becoming aware of it, and also holding the responsibility of clearing it regularly, of letting go of what's not yours to carry. You can choose to actively, purposefully reduce your mental load. And that can be in highest service of other people. Because especially in requests that aren't necessary for you to be responsible for, think about how much more time, energy, and bandwidth you then have to give to the people in your life, the things in your life, the commitments you want to follow through with... you get to redirect all of that mental bandwidth to the things that really matter.
[00:17:54] So it might feel icky at first. Just like I said it, it felt like the bitchiest thing to say, I'm not taking this on. And it was like, so not a problem that I was like, oh. Like, I've been so afraid of how people would react if I said no, if I didn't help them, when in fact it was like a non-issue. Alright, that's what I got for you this week. I'll meet you back here soon.
