[00:00:00] Welcome. This is Anything and Everything with Kelli Youngman Singh. We are here to live the most expansive experience of your life, guided by intuition and desire and rooted in self-trust, authenticity, and love. That's what expands your capacity to receive, allow and fully enjoy what you really want.
[00:00:29] Nothing is off limits. Nothing needs to be justified. Here for an extraordinary life and to have it all on your terms. Let's begin.
[00:00:44] Hello and welcome back to the podcast. Today I wanna dive into a topic that is fairly wide known, talked about, I think even understood at a conscious level, and I wanna take it deeper because I think that the topic of self-worth and value and self-love often get tangled up in this way where we overanalyze what we make it mean, and we then get into this place of like, I've gotta know my worth and it becomes this very defensive sort of frequency that I see a lot of my clients embody that I just think is extra mental bandwidth.
[00:01:39] And so it's really interesting to me to think about and talk about, because this has been an important part of my journey as well. And when I look back, I don't think my past self would've labeled myself as someone who didn't have self-worth or didn't have self-respect, but the way that showed up in my behavior was very different. Like even then, I don't think I would've called myself like not confident. I don't think I would've said that I was insecure back then, but a lot of my behaviors that I can witness and watch, I can now see that there was stemming from this place of unworthiness.
[00:02:29] And so I wanna talk about it today and invite you into a space of self-love because I do think that part of why I have ended up in the marriage of my absolute dreams, working with clients that I absolutely love, like living a life that embodies the standards that I've set for myself. I think that really comes from growing my self love to a place where I'm willing to be with myself in any emotional space. I'm willing to value myself wherever I am. I'm willing to feel worthy wherever I am, and that is a skill that I've cultivated through this work through life coaching, through all of the years of personal development that have got me to this place. And I do think it's a never ending journey to continue expanding what you are willing to tolerate and allowing your life to get as good as you really want it to be.
[00:03:36] And I've been talking about this a lot with my clients because I think, no one is consciously or purposefully sitting around thinking, gee, I really don't want my life to be as good as I want it to be. But when we have traces of low self-worth or low confidence, or we haven't yet started really acknowledging and recognizing our value, I think it becomes a byproduct where we don't expect ourselves to get what we desire, because we do unconsciously feel like we have to settle for what's coming or otherwise we have to settle for not ever having those things in our lives 'cause it's too complicated. Or, or, or, or, right.
[00:04:22] So again, I wanna just walk through sort of the process for creating and understanding and really cultivating self-love to the next level. Because when you want the rest of your life to match this frequency, the only way to get there is by first growing your capacity to love yourself and feel worthy and deserving of everything that you're calling in.
[00:04:55] Okay. So I think one of the first things to really just say out loud, and maybe it'll be a nice comfy reminder for your brain, is that just by existing, you are inherently worthy. Like you were born into this world, this human experience, and just by existing you are worthy. That is true of every single human being on this planet. We are all inherently worthy of good things happening to us and good things coming to us.
[00:05:34] When you know that you're deeply worthy, you're not looking to circumstances or outside scenarios to inform you of your worthiness. I know in college I would sort of look at my bank account or the student loans that I had, and I would feel less worthy because I perceived the problems that I was having as like a ding on my social standing. Like I thought that those things informed how good or bad, right or wrong that I was. So I was constantly looking at myself through this metric of moral judgment, even based on like the personal interactions I had or you know, situations I had been in as a teenager that I look back on and felt a lot of shame or guilt about, I would allow those circumstances to dictate to me how worthy I was or not. And if things in my life were going well, I would assume I was very worthy. And if things were not going so well, I would inherently make that mean that I wasn't worthy.
[00:06:54] And so worthiness is completely unconditional. You're born with it. It is yours. When these circumstances happen, my now understanding of it is that every single thing in life is happening for us. So our worthiness never changes and we can be unintentionally creating situations that have a lot of drama or have a lot of friction or tension. I used to get in like explosive fights in my relationships and yeah, just create a lot of drama because I was always coming from like this hurt place of not feeling chosen, loved, worthy, wanted. So that perpetuated a lot of the circumstances I was having, but it didn't come from a place of unworthiness, it came from my decision or my belief that I was unworthy.
[00:07:53] I'll never forget when I was at a retreat in Santa Monica with one of my coach's coaches where we really looked at this and I was like, oh, I'm still holding onto this story that as an adoptee, being given up as a baby, that I'm like holding onto this story of being unloved, unsupported, unwanted, which was the projection that I was putting out into the world and then experiencing. But even in those painful stories of my life, I was never not worthy of more. I just wasn't experiencing my inherent worthiness. Okay.
[00:08:31] So your circumstances are not a reflection of your worthiness or even your willingness or ability to be loved. It's reflecting your unconscious beliefs about yourself and your current belief about your own worthiness or about your own lovability, which is why I think this is so incredible to learn, because then you get to start practicing, okay, well if I am worthy and these experiences that I'm having are simply mirroring back my own beliefs about myself, then we get to be curious about what is actually creating this?
[00:09:10] And so that's where, you know, again, I think it's so fascinating because when we uncouple our worthiness from our income, our relationship status, our weight, our lifestyle, when all of those things are separate, then we can just be clear about what is actually creating our results, which is our own acknowledgement and self-love for ourself. Because the other thing that's really interesting, especially because I mentioned a few circumstances such as income, job, relationships, all these things, the quality of our life is always coming back to our ability to value ourselves, to deeply value, celebrate, to love, to be in love with ourselves. And when we raise our perception of our own value, that's when we start receiving more. Because then we are on the frequency of abundance, worthiness love. We're starting to feel those things about ourself, which allows us to receive.
[00:10:22] And I tell this to my clients who wanna make more money, right when sometimes they're undercharging because they haven't yet recognized the true value of what they have to offer, which is separate from who they are as an individual. So just notice if this is sort of waking your brain up to a new perspective. Because money is created through value. It's a shadow of value that you're offering to another individual or a company, or a community, right? You are being compensated with money for the value exchange, but that has nothing to do with who you are as a person. That comes from how much value you've been able to create with your specific skill sets and how this information, this service, this work that you're doing is impacting the lives of others. So when you wanna make more money, it comes from creating more value, which requires acknowledging your own value.
[00:11:29] And again, you are not what you're offering. Your value as a human is inherent. Your worthiness as a human is inherent. But the skill sets of what you are offering, whether it's directly to a client or even an employer, comes back to your skill sets. Those are different things, okay? So when you want to be earning at the highest level, you have to know that you're gonna have to train your skills at the highest level. And you're gonna have to be willing to own the value that you have, that you are creating in order to package it up and offer it. That's the same as if you're walking into an audition for a movie where you wanna be the lead character, as if you're offering your clients $15,000 coaching packages. It's actually the same. Okay.
[00:12:25] So I know that's a little bit of a side tangent, but just to say that we have to be willing to recognize the value that we're bringing to any room in order to be perceived or received as valuable. And where I think this is really fun is that I do believe it's the same across the board. When you're raising the value that you are perceiving in yourself and starting to treat yourself as an actual asset to your life or to the world, or to your family, you're also gonna be taking care of yourself in a different way. You're gonna understand that in order to give at your best, in order to show up as your highest self, you're gonna have to pour in that love and care to take care of you. Because I'm sure we've all heard the saying, you can't pour from an empty cup.
[00:13:21] And so when you're wanting to be in high value relationships, high value scenarios where you feel respected and trusted and heard and seen and appreciated, you have to be willing to do that for yourself first. Because if your self-love is low, when other people match that behavior, you're gonna accept it. And not because it's what you're worthy of, but it's because that's how you've been treating yourself. It's the baseline you've become accustomed to.
[00:13:57] So how do we actually start loving ourselves more? We have to be willing to look at and accept what we are, who we are, knowing that we're constantly learning and getting better. Because again, if we're only looking at the experiences we're having for the net negative for how we feel in the moment, you put yourself up for a show and you don't get the part, if you make all of that data mean I'm not worthy, I'm not good enough, I'm not talented enough, or the industry is saturated and everyone else is better than I am, like the self-love tank is so low that you are interpreting the data to reaffirm your unconscious beliefs about yourself. That you never get the part or always a bridesmaid, never a bride like you are just reinforcing those stories because the self-love hasn't been dialed up.
[00:15:00] And what's really interesting again, is like I said, for even for myself, I don't think, when I look back at my life, I would've said, oh, I wasn't loving myself. I think I would've just said, I'm really hard on myself. I push myself to be excellent, but from this space of never enough. So again, just be open to receiving this knowing that you could be very high achieving, you could be very high performing, and you could be someone that on the outside has all your shit together. But if in your inner world you're beating yourself up, you're walking past mirrors and telling yourself, you look disgusting. If you are getting results and saying like, I knew it. You're so stupid. Here's another fail to add to the list. Like that's not actually coming from genuine self-love. That's like a distorted perception of love that reflects this feeling like you have to earn it, right?
[00:16:06] And so when we come back to the fact that you are inherently worthy, you get to start practicing loving yourself. And when you actually love yourself, when you start acknowledging and witnessing the good things about you, and celebrating yourself, and celebrating all the little wins along the way, even if your past self would've interpreted those things as failures. But if your current and future self interprets those things as celebrations for your courage, your tenacity, your commitment, your audacity to keep going, then you're gonna fuel the fire of self-love.
[00:16:48] And I tell Terry all the time, it was actually part of my wedding vows that I've been becoming the woman I wanted to be, and I've been learning to love myself so deeply that when someone came along that was willing to love me as much as I did, to give me as much love as I knew I was worthy of receiving, I wanted to be capable of holding it and to not run away from it, and not to shy away from it or not to push it away.
[00:17:18] And so that is really why I think sometimes unintentionally high achieving people end up settling for less than they desire because they haven't yet learned to really love and be in love with all parts of themselves.
[00:17:35] And I guess I wanna say this as a caveat too, is like I don't think this needs to be something that reinforces this idea that oh my gosh, I have so much work to do, so much healing to do before I can have that, in a way that we postpone our desires. Because like I said, this is a lifelong journey of endless expansion of love. I don't think there's a limit to how much you can love yourself and care for yourself. I think this really is a constant never ending expansion, and that means that every experience is gonna grow you along the way as you are acclimating to higher levels of self-love.
[00:18:14] So if you do find yourself in circumstances that feel air quote below your standards, it's not a problem when you're not shaming yourself for those outcomes. Right. You just look at it and you're like, huh, that's really interesting. That's not quite the experience I was hoping to have and what is here for me to learn from this, and how did I maybe even unconsciously contribute to this dynamic?
[00:18:44] And this is where it gets really fun, because then when you're starting to become aware of it with loving neutrality, that's where you get to be curious and just start making new decisions, even if those decisions feel uncomfortable at first, we're setting the standards of our future self and we're going in deeper to say, yeah, I did not handle that my best and I still love myself, right? I think that when you really, really, really, really, really love and acknowledge all parts of you, you also won't be triggered when someone emphasizes a trait that is maybe not so favorable.
[00:19:24] For instance, I had someone in my life recently say that I'm really direct and that I don't know how to talk to people and had that signal a sign of disrespect. And I think a past version of me would've heard that feedback and I would've crumbled. I would've like sobbed tears of embarrassment, shame, guilt. I would've apologized profusely. I would've felt like I was so in the wrong and or I would've made them really wrong. But instead, when I heard that feedback. My first thought about it was like, you know what? You're right, like I am direct. But I have worked on myself so much to be able to clearly communicate my emotions to the people in my life that really matter, that to me, that is something that I'm really proud of. Because in the past, I would've bottled it up. I would've never communicated it. I would've thought that how I feel doesn't matter, and I would've tried to let it go. While simultaneously ruminating on it in my mind.
[00:20:33] But the fact that I could receive that, I think from them it was coming as a criticism, but I didn't really even interpret it as criticism. I interpreted it as their thoughts, their opinions of me, and I actually was willing to see all of it and say, yeah, I totally get how that could rub some people the wrong way. And actually I love that about myself. And I'm proud of that part of me that's very direct. Because to me, I think clear is kind. And I think that when I'm willing to share my deepest truth with someone, even if that is sharing that something they did was like unintentionally hurtful to me, I think that is coming from a very high value place and giving someone else the opportunity to repair without creating internal resentment or judgment in return, right?
[00:21:25] So again, I want you to consider where in your life you could dial up the self-love, so that even if someone said something to you that felt like they were calling out a part of you, that you could actually say, I hear you. I totally get that, and I'm okay with it. Like I understand that I'm not meant to be perfect. I'm still a human being. I give myself lots of grace and yeah, maybe I didn't handle that moment exactly how I would in another moment, or maybe I did. Again, it's not about being good, bad, right or wrong, but it's about being willing to see all parts of ourselves without judgement.
[00:22:05] And then I think what changes again when we dial up the self-love as we're building more value in ways to exchange value, meaning whether that's in our businesses, our careers, however we're giving value to the world, when that self-love is present, you are willing to do the work that is going to require challenges, discomfort, making mistakes, failures you're willing to learn along the way to become more valuable in a way that still honors your authenticity, your self-worth and doesn't rob you of your self love. Because if every mistake ends up in guilt, shame, spirals, and like feeling really terrible or hopeless, of course that's gonna be an even harder place to move forward from.
[00:23:01] So the self love is like this relationship with yourself where you know that you're never gonna abandon you even in your biggest mistakes, even in your biggest failures, and again, when you love all parts of yourself, you're like, this is who I am. You don't agree with people when they tell you that you're too much or that you're too this or you're too that. You just look at it and you're like, yeah, this is exactly who I am, and if it's too much for you, like that's okay, but I'm gonna go find a partner who loves and cherishes and appreciates all these sides of me because that's what I know that I'm worthy of, even in my imperfections and my flaws. Because I'm inherently worthy as a human being, and I'm then also willing to give that same level of unconditional love to the people that I want to give it to.
[00:23:56] My husband is not perfect. I am not perfect, and we have an incredible marriage because of our communication and our respect for each other, even in the moments where we're not our highest selves. Because we really say to each other, you're allowed to be right. If you're not having your best day, you're allowed to. We say that a lot, but that comes from, again, that unconditional love I've given myself to say, Hey, I'm not gonna be perfect, and I am sorry. And you can take as long as you need to work through your emotions, and I'm still gonna be here loving you the same way I'm gonna be here, loving myself.
[00:24:34] And so, yeah, I hope this is just inviting you in to how I experience self-love and what that means and I could talk about this for hours and hours and hours because I do think it allows you to raise your standard when you're not waiting on other people and you're just loving yourself, and you are expecting people in your life to meet that standard and in some ways they may not have the capacity to give you what you're needing, but that's when you don't have to outsource any of your love. And you really can give it to yourself. And I don't think that creates a standard where then you're willing to accept less from others. I think then you can also see really clearly where other people are at in their own journey of self-love, and you don't have to hold the responsibility of fixing or solving or taking care of someone else. You just go and find someone who you wanna be with that has that capacity already, that wants to grow with you where you're at. I think that's also a measure of self-love.
[00:25:43] So, self-love is not coming from achievement, external things that prove you're worthy. Your self-love is given to yourself freely by accepting, trusting, celebrating who you are, and being willing to be with yourself in all parts of you. Like if you can really love yourself on your worst day, to me that's the flex. And regardless of whatever happens in your life, if you're willing to love yourself and know that your self-worth your worthiness has not been impacted, then you also have this foundation where you can tap back into your true unlimited nature at any point and start recognizing, acknowledging, dialing up the value that you're perceiving in yourself, which amplifies your ability to cultivate more value, to give the world, which always creates the byproducts of money, success, all the things you are looking for externally.
[00:26:49] But yeah, that's what I got for you today. How can you be more in love with yourself? How can you be more loving to yourself? So that you really know you are allowed to have the kind of life, love, results bank account that you want? And there might be some skills that you have to learn along the way, and you'll be so much more willing to do that growth, to do that work when you're giving yourself love. When you're believing in your inherent worthiness. And when you're trusting that the kind of love you want to receive starts with the love you're giving yourself. Everything in our life is a mirror, and if you dial up how much you're loving yourself, how in love with yourself you are, not from an egotistical or arrogant space, but from knowing like, of course I wanna be my biggest fan, I want to champion myself that's what's gonna give you the power to stand in that with others and give other people the opportunity to experience that love and reflect it back to you.
[00:27:56] Alright. That's what I got for you today. I'll meet you back here for another episode.
[00:28:01]
[00:28:02]
