[00:00:00] Welcome. This is Anything and Everything with Kelli Youngman Singh. We are here to live the most expansive experience of your life, guided by intuition and desire and rooted in self trust, authenticity, and love. That's what expands your capacity to receive, allow and fully enjoy what you really want. Nothing is off limits. Nothing needs to be justified. Here for an extraordinary life and to have it all on your terms. Let's begin.
[00:00:44] Hello everyone and welcome back to the podcast. Today I am so excited to share what has been part of my recent breakthrough and also invite you to step into the life that you really want to have. And we are going to be talking about identity. Because I realize that up until now, we have not talked about identity specifically on this podcast. And one of the main ways that I help my clients is by upgrading their Created Identity, by being really clear about who they are deciding to be, so that they can begin aligning their actions, feelings, thoughts, all of those things to start producing the kind of life they want to experience.
[00:01:36] And I have done this work for myself many times. When I first decided to become a Broadway performer, when I decided to become a life coach. All of those things had different layers of identity that I had to work through in being a thought leader, a business owner, an entrepreneur. There's so many different identities that we all hold, and my goal with my clients is always to take them to the place where they are effortlessly embodying one identity.
[00:02:10] So, this concept is a little bit nuanced. There are different pieces of it that we will talk about in depth, and for today, I want to focus on the idea that you get to decide who you are being in your life. And that when you decide who you want to be, what kind of life you want to live, who you are required to be to have the life that you really want, then that identity gets to inform your thinking, feeling, actions, and all of your results.
[00:02:46] Because your identity becomes this really clear filter for identifying the gap between who you are now and who you want to become. And I tell all of my clients all of the time that if we're not using that against ourselves, we just get to be so aware with loving neutrality. And spoiler alert that episode is coming next, because I know we haven't talked about that yet either.
[00:03:14] So for today, let's start with created identity. That you really get to be who you decide you want to be in the world, rather than sticking to identities that have either been given to you, passed down or inherited right through your upbringing, through societal norms, through what your college professor told you were best at.
[00:03:40] Like all of those things are irrelevant to who you want to decide to become, if they're not relevant to the life you want to currently have. Because the way that we think about ourselves, the way that we show up in the world is dependent upon the belief system, the understanding, the identity that we've chosen to exist in. And whether you realize it or not right now, you're embodying an identity. You're embodying a person that lives the life that you currently live. That gets up in the morning, the way you get up. That makes their coffee the way they make your coffee. You do all of these behaviors as the current version of yourself. Your opinions about, your opinions, about money, about family, about friends, about priorities. All of those things are currently making up your personality, how you experience yourself on a day-to-day basis.
[00:04:46] And where this gets really fun is when you become aware of the fact that your current behaviors, your current identity is reinforced by your thinking, feeling, all of the habits that maintain this current self.
[00:05:03] When you want to start changing things, when you intentionally want to start getting different results, that's why the easiest place to start is with your identity. It's sort of like going from the top down, rather than trying to change all your habits, trying to change all these things about yourself in order to become someone different.
[00:05:24] And so this is how I work with all of my clients. By first having them decide, who do you want to be? Who are you ready to become? Because when you start identifying that, you're going to start quickly identifying the skill sets or the skill gaps that are required to live that kind of life.
[00:05:48] For example, one of my clients was working on winning a Tony Award. And when they were stepping into that identity, it was so essential to get clear about how they would think, feel, behave if they already won the Tony Award. So months ahead of time, we were crafting that identity to embody it. To live, breathe, act, to treat themselves as if they already were the Tony Award winner. So that made it really natural and effortless for people to see them as such.
[00:06:27] So as a life coach, this is part of my work. It's helping people build the identity of their Future Self in order to become that version of them. Most people don't walk around thinking and acting this way, which is why it's also not personal when people in our lives can't see that for us yet. Because if you are engaging with your friends, your family, they've known you for decades. They know you as a certain version of you, and when you start telling them, Hey, I'm going to become a life coach, or I'm going to be a Tony Award winner, or I am starting a business, it might be hard for them at first to see you past your current self. Because they only know you as who you've been your entire life. They're like, what? You? You're going to do that? I don't know. You're always late. How are you going to help people change their lives? Or whatever it is. It makes sense that people in our lives have that attachment to our current selves, and it's our work to create the identity first.
[00:07:28] If I want my clients to come to me and know that I can help them change their lives, I have to know with full out, 10 outta 10 certainty that I can do that first. It's not my client's job to believe that I can help them before I believe that I can help them. The same way, if you're going out for a Broadway show to be the lead, you have gotta be seeing and embodying the frequency of a leading lady or a leading man on Broadway. You've gotta be that version of you first, before anyone else can see it for you.
[00:08:04] So it's an inside job. Identity is an inside job. And when you do the work to change your identity, that's when other people will be able to witness and reaffirm it back to you, not the other way around.
[00:08:20] This actually showed up for me in college, and I can't remember if I've said this on the podcast or not yet, but when I went to school at the Ailey School I was doing my BFA in dance and there was a little voice inside of me that desired to be in the second company. That could then, you know, eventually possibly move up to dance in the first company. And I never gave myself permission to see that and choose that as an identity. Instead, I was waiting for someone else to tell me I was good enough. I was waiting for someone else to say, Hey, have you thought about doing the Ailey 2 audition? You'd be perfect for, like, I was waiting for someone to see it in me, but they were never going to see it in me if I wasn't seeing it in myself first.
[00:09:08] And I tell that story now because I know that I ended up exactly on my path and I have no attachments to that version of the dream. But I do sometimes wonder what would've been different in my college career if I had been given the tools to believe in myself. So that's what I really want you to take away from this, is that if and when we want to step into a bigger life, we have to hold our identity for ourselves, first. And that comes from breaking out of what we're familiar with in order to start thinking, feeling, and behaving in new ways.
[00:09:47] So think about the current version of you and how you live your life. Now for a second, think about the future version of you, your future self that you're stepping into. For me, that looks like becoming an Emmy Award winner and being a mom and being a great wife, and running a successful coaching business and serving clients all over the world, while I'm pursuing my dreams as an actor and as a human being, as a woman.
[00:10:19] Whatever that is for you, I want you to go to the place where that is already your reality. And notice if your brain is already like, well, I don't know what I want, or I don't know how I could have all those things. It's not your job to figure out the how. It's your job to figure out who. One of my longtime coaches and mentors teaches it in this way of Who before the How. So you want to be thinking, who am I when that is my reality? Who am I when I'm already living the life that I desire?
[00:10:57] And then you really want to reverse engineer. What are my days like when I'm in that reality? What are my predominant beliefs about myself? What do I think without even thinking about it? What are my habitual patterns of belief about myself when I'm that version of me? If you only listen to this episode and re-listen to it over and over and over again, you would understand that the life you're wanting to create is not going to come from doing more or having more. It's going to come from who you are being. And when you change who you are being, you will change your reality.
[00:11:42] This was a hundred percent what I did when I started imagining myself as a Broadway performer. I started practicing the beliefs and the thoughts and the habits and the behaviors of what I projected or what I imagined a Broadway performer would be doing. Of course, I had to start thinking I was good enough to be on Broadway. Because of course, when I'm already on Broadway, I have that belief system. Right. I would be good enough because I'm there doing it. Most people are waiting for the evidence to start cultivating the belief.
[00:12:14] And this is why a couple episodes I talked about the fact that belief comes before results. It has to be Belief Before Results, because then we're creating the identity, we're creating the internal system that is prepared and available to hold the experiences that we want to have. I think that's incredible to achieve your dream, to become the person you want to be. But I also want my clients and myself to be able to enjoy that dream, to be able to be fully available present. Relaxed. Like settled in that moment. Not where you're getting there and you're like, oh my God, oh my God, I can't believe I'm here. I don't want to mess it up. I don't want to ruin it all. I don't know if I'm worthy of this. Like all of that detracts from the presence of being the version of you that has it.
[00:13:10] So for my client, we worked on. How do I move through the world as a Tony Award winner? How do I speak to people? How do I receive people? How do I command space? How do I show up? Like what is my frequency? And spoiler alert, they won the Tony Award. And so what I know to be true is that Created Identity comes from really deciding who you want to be. Not based off of who you've been in the past or what you've been capable of before or the kind of accomplishments or achievements you've had so far, but really asking yourself, who would I love to become? What would I love to experience? What is the kind of life I would love to live? And then filling in the details from there.
[00:13:59] Even a decade ago, the first person I learned this from was James Clear. He talks about it in his book Atomic Habits, about changing at the identity level first. Because if you are someone who's a smoker and you're trying to quit smoking and you keep telling yourself, all right. I'm trying to quit. I'm trying to quit. I'm trying to quit. A person who is a smoker trying to quit is going to have a very different experience than someone who is a non-smoker. If you decide, up until now, I've been a smoker trying to quit, starting right now I am a non-smoker... a person who doesn't smoke doesn't smoke. They're not bending for a cigarette because they don't have that habit, that behavior, that belief system. So if you change at the identity level, when you decide I'm a person who no longer smokes, I'm a non-smoker, you have a different relationship to the behavior. Even if there are urges, even if there are physical symptoms that come up, you still have the gap or the space to process this is not part of my identity. This is not what I do. The same way if you're like, I'm not a murderer, like, you just don't think those thoughts because that's not part of your identity. Sorry, that was a little dark. But it's like when you really get accurate with yourself about who you're becoming, it's just going to be so clear what no longer is a match.
[00:15:33] As I evolved as a coach stepping into bigger thought leadership and working with really high caliber clients at the peak of their creative careers, I would not have been an energetic match to serve them if I was still thinking, oh, I don't know. I'm still new at this. I'm just getting started. I don't know if I can help you. I can't be a brand new coach who's uncertain about my skills, unsure if I'm qualified to help people at the highest level and be working with clients who are working to star in Broadway shows, win the Nobel Prize, and create multiple six figure businesses. There's not a match in identity if I'm still over here worrying about if I can help someone.
[00:16:25] And so you just want to be curious with yourself about what is no longer a fit for who you're becoming. And this could also be as simple as like if you are someone who's ready to be married or ready to be in an amazing relationship, you can't still be thinking the thoughts and acting like somebody single. And of course, yes, maybe you're single in the fact that you're going out on dates or you know you're meeting new people, but you can't be thinking like there's no good people out there. I'm never going to find the love of my life. Dating is too hard. Like you are not going to be an energetic match to meet a high value partner if you're thinking really terrible thoughts about relationships or dating. You have to align the identity of who you're becoming.
[00:17:15] And so the fastest way to do this, the simplest way to do this is to really get clear about the life you want to live, and especially if you're a multihyphenate or multi-passionate person. One of my clients, for instance, is a nurse, a professional dancer, and a fitness coach. When she was working to become the version of her who does all of these things effortlessly, she couldn't be stuck in overwhelm or drama about what she does. She can't be sitting in fear or doubt or uncertainty that she's a professional dancer if she wants to be booking jobs and serving clients. Similar to my path, right? Like I'm a performer and a coach. But if there's any part of my identity that's wishy-washy, not holding that whole identity, then I'm still going to be in the wobble, the how wobble of how do I do this? How is it going to happen?
[00:18:12] Instead of being like, no, I'm the version of me that does all of these things. When I go to the end result that I really am craving, how do I think when I've already accomplished all of those things? How do I treat myself when I'm in a Broadway show, serving clients at the highest degree, a mom to two kids, and a wife to a very successful designer? I want to take my brain to that space so that I can identify the behaviors, thoughts, beliefs, frequency of that version of me. Because even if all of those things haven't showed up yet by going to the end result of the identity that I want to hold, knowing that it can always grow and expand and change along the way, but if I'm going to that fullest vision of myself and then reverse engineering the kind of qualities, traits, energetic frequency that I would have, it's going to show me where I'm currently out of integrity and out of alignment with that version of me, which is not a problem. Like not integrity in the sense of morality, but it's not a match, it doesn't fit.
[00:19:25] So when you're wanting to up level, you start with the identity first because the identity is going to inform the thoughts and feelings that need to become more rehearsed so that they're at the forefront of your operating system. Even for me, part of this work was getting to a place where I didn't get overwhelmed when auditions came in. Because if I get overwhelmed every time an audition comes in and then I'm like, oh my gosh, I've got so much going on. I remember calling my coach really frantically one time. I was outside of my apartment building and I was freaking out 'cause I was like, I just got self-tapes. I have client calls, I have a consultation. And she was like, yeah, this is what you've been waiting for. This is what you've been preparing for, this is who you've been becoming. And I was like, oh, the version of me who's a coach and an actor effortlessly feels very calm when these things happen. I don't expend energy freaking out about how I'm going to get it done. I trust myself that I'm going to finish it. I trust myself that I'm going to show up powerfully no matter where I am in my life. And that's the identity that I started practicing and rehearsing to the place where now it's very normal for me to exist in this space.
[00:20:42] And of course, sometimes there's still thoughts or doubts or questions or fears that come up, but the relationship to those events are way less charged. They're not as dire or urgent or like alarming. It's just like, oh, okay, going to take a breath. All good. I've got this right. But I think that all also is part of the identity piece of really seeing the emotional skills that are going to be required to navigate all of those things effortlessly, right?
[00:21:17] Because if you're like a lot of my clients who want to accomplish big things, who want to make a lot of money, who want to have multiple careers and all of these things, you can't still be taking things really personally or overthinking conversations all night long or feeling defensive if a problem comes up. Because as a leader, as someone who's creating big shit, you're going to have to be able to do that with a lot of love, a lot of clarity, and a lot of patience. You're going to want to be able to handle those things really effortlessly without being activated and thrown off your homeostasis all of the time, right?
[00:21:59] So your Created Identity comes from you. It's not based on your past. It's not based on your upbringing or who you were for the last decade. You can change every single part of yourself that you want. And this isn't about deciding you're not good enough as you are, but it is about allowing yourself to become who you want to be, without holding yourself back in limitation, because of who you think you are. It doesn't matter if up until now you've been lazy or you procrastinate, or you don't work out, or you don't take care of yourself, whatever it is. If you want to change those behaviors, go to the identity first.
[00:22:45] Decide you're someone who prioritizes health, and then ask yourself, how does someone who prioritizes health, how do they behave in their life? Why is it important to them? What gets them excited to get out of bed in the morning to go and do those behaviors? Then you start practicing those core beliefs and those thought feeling combos that support the person you want to be instead of staying stuck in the place where you just don't see it for yourself. I don't like having to do the business side of things versus becoming the version of you that's an entrepreneur, a very successful entrepreneur, right? Or someone who's maybe challenged with tech and resist learning the things that are required for your chosen field. Instead, going to the place of, well, if I am a very successful voiceover actor, clearly I've taken the time to learn how to put together my equipment, how to set up my studio, whatever that is.
[00:23:44] When you go to the identity first, you get access to a different entry point to your thinking, your feeling, and the behaviors required to live the kind of life that you want. And every single time you want to break through to a new Created Identity, because this is going to happen over and over at every level, when you go to the identity first, you can reverse engineer and get really clear about where you're needing to grow and expand. And when you're ready to do that work, I'm here to help you.
[00:24:15] Created Identity. You get to decide, you get to be who you want to be, and you create those beliefs, those new patterns of thinking and feeling through practice and repetition. It actually is very simple, and when you give yourself permission to be who you want to be, you are going to start doing things more of the time that allow you to have the life you want to have. All right, that's what I got for you this week. I'll meet you back here next week.
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