[00:00:00] Welcome. This is Anything and Everything with Kelli Youngman Singh. We are here to live the most expansive experience of your life, guided by intuition and desire and rooted in self trust, authenticity, and love. That's what expands your capacity to receive, allow and fully enjoy what you really want. Nothing is off limits. Nothing needs to be justified. Here for an extraordinary life and to have it all on your terms. Let's begin.
[00:00:44] hello and welcome back to the podcast. I am really excited to speak about today's topic because it truly changed my life. And before we jump into the episode, I wanna make sure that if you are listening in real time, you know that on Thursday, April 16th, 2026, I am teaching a free community class inside of The Room called Identity Upgrade.
[00:01:12] And this addresses a concept I spoke about last week on the podcast called Created Identity. So if you're in a space where you're new to this work, or maybe you're not new to the work and you're just looking for that next level identity, definitely come and join us. You can register at kelliyoungmansingh.com/theroom. The link is also in the show notes of this episode and I would love to see you there. And if you're listening after the class has already happened, just know that the replay will live inside The Room and you can go and watch that at any time.
[00:01:51] But what we're gonna talk about today is Loving Neutrality, and this is a concept that, again, has completely transformed my life, and the origins of this concept are very much rooted in Byron Katie's work. Now, I was first introduced to Byron Katie's work maybe 15 years ago, and I read her book Loving What Is, which is rooted in this idea of not arguing with reality. This concept just completely changed my understanding of how we are experiencing the world based on our thoughts, based on our point of view, based on our perceptions. And if you've listened to the earlier podcast episode about Thought Feeling Combos, you'll know that our thoughts are constantly informing how we feel, which informs our actions, our behaviors, how we interpret or show up to any situation.
[00:02:56] Now, I have to say I coined the term Loving Neutrality because I really do think that when you have access to a more neutral perspective of life, of yourself, of others, that it is in highest service of you and everyone around you. It eliminates a lot of the mind drama that comes from assuming that someone is good, bad, right or wrong. And I do believe that it gives you the space to respond to a situation as the highest version of yourself or as the Created Identity that you've chosen, that has more emotional intelligence, Emotional Agility, and also just more grace for people being human, for all of us being human, including ourselves.
[00:03:48] And so it was very fascinating to me that when I introduced this idea of neutrality to people in my life that they had a sort of negative reaction to the idea of it. Because some people in my life experienced the idea of neutrality as being detached, not caring, not having an opinion or feeling like they weren't entitled to have an opinion. And I don't think neutrality is any of those things. To me, neutrality is being willing to see the most neutral fact without adding on a layer of perception.
[00:04:35] So for example, if we're using thought feeling combos and we're wanting to get to a place of neutrality, I might say that a car is driving 50 miles an hour. That is like a very factual statement. A car is driving 50 miles an hour. Now someone standing on the street could say the car is speeding, if the car happened to be in a 25 mile an hour zone. Or if the car is driving 50 miles an hour on a highway, maybe that car is driving really slow and that car is driving dangerously, right? But it's very obvious to see that when you take a circumstance and add your thought to the circumstance, which is coming from your own perspective, your own orientation to the world, life, to other people, that's when we start adding on opinions and a lot of times we don't even realize that we're doing this.
[00:05:49] So let's imagine that your sister or your mother-in-law makes a comment. And they say literally any words. Literally, it could be any words they say. But you notice, you start feeling disrespected or you notice, you start feeling insulted. Their words, like in quotation marks, are the most lovingly neutral thing you could say. It's like, this person said these words verbatim. That's Loving Neutrality. My sister has an opinion. My sister said sentences. That is Loving Neutrality. It's keeping it completely without tone. Because even though I'm feeling insulted or I'm feeling disrespected, it doesn't guarantee that that was their intention.
[00:06:57] And the interesting thing is, is that even if it was their intention to disrespect me or to insult me, the only way I'm gonna have a feeling in my body is if I interpret what they said as an insult or as disrespect, right? So Loving Neutrality creates space to hear, witness observe in the most neutral, non meaning assigned way. My sister said words, my mother-in-law said words. Now the beauty of loving neutrality is that we don't have to then attach to a meaning, attached to a story, attached to this event, having bigger meaning than it needs to have.
[00:07:46] Which can also sometimes trigger my clients because they get into this space of thinking, well, why do I always have to be the bigger person? Why do I always have to, you know, turn the other cheek? Why do I always have to do this, that the other? And I was always taught, you can be right or you can be free. And for me, I would much rather be free.
[00:08:07] And so the practice of Loving Neutrality is not assigning meaning to an event, ever. And it doesn't mean that you're wrong when you have a human emotion or a human reaction, but that is where you get to separate the way you feel from the thing that happened.
[00:08:32] So in this example, if my mother-in-law or my sister said words and I started feeling a certain way, I could give it the meaning I want to give it. Which is they are expressing themselves. Maybe they're feeling hurt or maybe they are having an emotional experience. But if I internalize the words they said as they are disrespecting me, they are insulting me. This is completely irrational, illogical behavior. Notice all of the subtle judgements I'm laying on top of the things they said.
[00:09:14] Now in my line of work, judgment is not a bad word. I don't even judge myself for having judgments. But I've gotten to a place where I can witness when I'm having judgments because they are simply opinions. They're my perspective, my point of view. But just because I have that point of view does not make it a truth of the universe or something I even need to or want to attach to in my life. Because I find that attaching to opinions, attaching to perspectives, truly creates limitation.
[00:09:56] So that would be like if I go into an audition and I don't get the part, if I start attaching to the idea that casting is wasting my time by calling me in, that's gonna produce a very different experience in my body, in my world, in my own storytelling of my life, then if I see the Loving Neutrality as I had a callback and I didn't get cast. Right, I had a callback, I did not get the part. That's Loving Neutrality. And then the meaning I give it can be so much more net positive if I choose. Now again, it doesn't mean that I'm wrong if I get disappointed because I didn't get the role, or if I have a moment of grief or a moment of sadness or you know, any other emotion that might come up. We don't make ourselves wrong for those emotions, but we also are willing to see the Loving Neutrality of the moment. I don't have to go into a tailspin about my time being wasted, being disrespected. The fact that I'm never chosen, but I always make it to the final three. Like all of that is really story laid on top of a very neutral circumstance. So again, Loving Neutrality is just training your mind to see the fact of the circumstance separate from your perspective or your opinion.
[00:11:35] Now, in the beginning, sometimes my clients will be very attached to their thoughts. Yeah, but they should have told me this or that, or they should have given me more advanced notice or it is unfair that X, Y, or Z.
[00:11:53] And one of my favorite ways to help detach from this idea is again, through the framework of Byron Katie. Her four questions are, is it true? Can you absolutely know that it's true? How do you think, feel, react when you believe that thought? Who would you be without it? Again, her work just, I love it. I highly recommend it to all of my clients. Go check it out.
[00:12:23] And also, Dr. Dane here wrote a book called Being You, Changing the World. That completely helped me understand and uncouple my personal values from Loving Neutrality. And again, you are entitled to have your perspectives, and you have to just know that you can't expect people to behave according to the rules that you've given yourself. So whenever I find myself in a space where maybe I'm being morally superior or I'm thinking I know better than someone else, or that my way is better....
[00:13:05] This happened when Terry and I were refinishing our kitchen table, and I remember I had a way I wanted to do it and he had a way, and the most lovingly neutral statement was that we both had our own thoughts about how to refinish the table, and I was very clear that we had different approaches to refinishing the table. But interestingly enough, Terry thought my way was very wrong. And so Loving Neutrality just gives you the ability to say, this is my opinion. And is my opinion, is my perspective, currently supporting the experience I wanna have? That's where you get into the space of utilizing Loving Neutrality in a way that's really helpful.
[00:13:59] Even in that small example, Terry thinking, "Kelli's doing it wrong" was really shaping his experience of me finishing the table the way I thought was, you know, useful based on the way I had researched it or whatever, which also created a very different emotional experience in his body than when I was thinking, "Terry has a different approach. Terry has thoughts about my approach" like that helped me get to the most lovingly neutral interpretation of my husband. So that I wasn't bothered by him having different thoughts or a different opinion or a different perspective. I could just observe that he was having a different experience.
[00:14:48] And so going back to Dr. Dain Heer in his book, Being You Changing the World. He teaches you to say interesting point of view. I have that point of view. Interesting point of view. I have that point of view, and whenever I notice myself having a thought or an opinion, especially one that's creating a net negative emotional experience for me, right?
[00:15:15] I'm being left out. I'm not being chosen. Nobody wants to hire me. Whatever the thoughts are, I can redirect my mind to understand what is the neutral fact and what is my thought about it. Because even in the instance of not being hired for a Broadway show in the last few years, even if my brain wants to offer me the thought, nobody wants to hire me. I just know that I can't possibly know if that's true or not. There might be tens of thousands of people who wanna hire me, and maybe this project just wasn't the right fit. And so for me, that Loving Neutrality brings me back to having the access and the freedom to choose a better Thought Feeling Combo that serves me to choose one that adds energy to my life, rather than getting really attached to my first instinctual, habitual point of view.
[00:16:19] That this person is very difficult or this person never listens to me or this person is, insert any judgment you have. Especially when it has to do with other people, if you can separate someone's behavior and your interpretation of it, to the most Lovingly Neutral phrase I always love, like they're having a human experience. Like if I'm ever in a fight or a disagreement or I'm having a human experience, I give myself the same grace, right? If I witness myself behaving in a way that is not super favorable, like, or a way that I don't necessarily love, or maybe I was really stressed. Like one time I threw a suitcase across the room and I was like, wow, that wasn't my finest moment. But I looked at myself and my behavior and I said, how interesting I'm having a human experience. Or how interesting I threw my suitcase. Not look at me, I'm crazy, I'm having an emotional outburst. I'm a horrible person. Like all of those sentences are just thoughts about my behavior.
[00:17:35] So Loving Neutrality is the practice of identifying the neutral facts from your thoughts, perspectives, opinions, in order to facilitate having more emotional freedom and more choice over your lived experience.
[00:17:58] Because let's say for instance, even if you're driving on the highway and someone cuts you off and you're like, dammit, there's crazy drivers. No one knows how to drive, and that creates anger, fear, rage inside of your body. Now you are the one driving as if everyone is crazy or maybe that creates fear, or maybe that creates who knows what, right. But it makes you have a net negative experience of driving versus. Being able to say someone drove in front of me unexpectedly. That was unexpected. Like notice how that feels in your body when you actually have real time ability, not to heighten your emotions, but to have a very neutral, for lack of better word, experience.
[00:18:55] And then in the spirit of positive bias, I could say, wow, I'm glad they made their exit. I hope everything's okay. Who knows why they made that sharp cut over, but I hope everything's okay with them. Like, to me, that creates a more net positive experience in my body, in my emotional world, where I also can trust myself to be safe while I'm driving.
[00:19:19] Now it doesn't change that things are going to happen and that life will happen and that you will have reactions, but I do think that this space of Loving Neutrality is also what allows me to, like I said, give myself grace, give other people grace. To be open to things being different, when things don't happen as I expect them to. I just don't let my judgments remain truths of the universe. And I do this for me, for my experience of my life, and also to experience people in the way that I want to, to experience the world in the way that I want to. So that I can find more access to seeing things as I desire, versus how I don't want things to happen, right? Because our brains will always go to the negative, what's unwanted as a source of protection. Like that's kind of how brains are designed to operate, to protect us, to keep us safe.
[00:20:22] But if you tend to be someone who attaches to judgments without questioning them, this is where you could really free up a lot of your energy by closing energy leaks that aren't essential. Things that are just maybe habit or how you grew up, how you experience the world of like, Hey, that's not right. They shouldn't be doing that. Versus that's how someone is choosing to live. That's how they are, from the space of loving neutrality.
[00:20:54] It is the bridge, the gateway to so much emotional freedom of letting go of things that are not yours to carry one, and also like frees you from resenting people who are really important to you, frees you from holding onto grudges, frees you from, you know, needing to keep score of things that happen in your relationship. And then, yeah, from that space of loving neutrality, then you also get to direct your brain to a space that is more net positive and gives you energy rather than takes it.
[00:21:36] The last thing I'll offer is this, Loving Neutrality is not stripping away your values. It's not stripping away who you are. It's not even the result of not standing for something. Because you can still be very convicted in what you believe, in what feels best for you, and I think on the other side of that, again, you're just not expecting other people to live your standards because they're yours. And when you drop the expectation of others to behave the way you want them to behave or to say the things that they should say, or any of the other judgments, opinions, perspectives that you have, you redirect all that energy back to you, and I think you have more love to facilitate what you actually want to happen, when you aren't simultaneously holding a judgment opinion, a differing perspective of someone else than what you're trying to call out of them.
[00:22:42] Going back to the sister, mother-in-law example, if you are thinking thoughts about them that they're very difficult, that they're disrespecting you, that they're being rude, imagine how you show up to engage with them every time after that, knowing that they've said X, Y, or Z. Versus that person was having a human moment. The person said sentences. I interpreted them as unkind and I can choose to love this person for who they are. I think that's a perfect example of how Loving Neutrality gives you the ability to untangle, uncouple, separate how you are experiencing the world and what is actually happening. Which is always only giving you more feedback about yourself and about the stories that you're carrying with you.
[00:23:33] So if this is lighting you up, this idea of Loving Neutrality, make sure that you come to Identity Upgrade, because this is a huge part of deciding to be different. When you start having the openness and curiosity to interpret events differently, you also free yourself to see the world differently in your relationship to money, success, love, all of the things.
[00:24:00] All right, I'll meet you back here.
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