[00:00:00] Welcome. This is Anything and Everything with Kelli Youngman Singh. We are here to live the most expansive experience of your life, guided by intuition and desire and rooted in self trust, authenticity, and love. That's what expands your capacity to receive, allow and fully enjoy what you really want. Nothing is off limits. Nothing needs to be justified. Here for an extraordinary life and to have it all on your terms. Let's begin.
[00:00:44] Hello and welcome back to the podcast. I wanted to record this episode about Emotional Agility today because I really think I've been in an extraordinary experience of my life because of my Emotional Agility. Now, I describe Emotional Agility as the ability to move with your emotions, to be with your emotions, and to have a net positive experience of yourself in any emotional experience.
[00:01:23] And what I love about having created a level of emotional agility where it's almost like you can dance with your emotions and be really available to experience them no matter what, I think comes from a level of self-trust, but also just from familiarity and comfort with your emotions.
[00:01:54] I think there has to be a level of safety. When I mention self-trust, I think that's where the safety comes in, the safety and familiarity with your emotions to know that when you're having any emotional experience, that you're present and available.
[00:02:14] And I think that growing up, we can tend to favor the positive emotions, where it feels like we want things to feel good all of the time.
[00:02:28] Now, this is really interesting because even the other day, my husband was kind of poking fun at me about how I was feeling negatively about something and, one of my coaches, he was like, "Wow, and even she's crying in the car." Like, he kind of was poking fun at it as if there was something that had gone wrong. And what I realized in that moment is, like, with so much love, my husband has no idea what I do. And I was like, oh, I think this is a common misconception. Because I am someone that is generally happy and that I am generally positive or optimistic, I think that's where for a lot of years, there was this emphasis on toxic positivity as if it was a very bad thing to be happy, in this way that was avoidant of negative emotion.
[00:03:31] And when I broke it down for my husband, he was like, "Oh, wow, okay. Yeah, I had no idea what you were doing."
[00:03:41] And so I wanted to use this episode to go a little bit deeper because I don't think that we have to be judging our emotions when they come up. I actually coach my clients not to be judgmental of their emotions, but to simply be available.
[00:04:02] The reason why I think this is an even better perspective to have or a better relationship to have with your emotions is that then we understand that we don't have to make emotions a problem. Our emotions are never a problem. They're just real-time feedback of our thinking, of our current state. And sometimes I like to think of my emotions even as a past state, especially if I'm thinking about something that's already happened. I'm having an emotional experience based on thoughts about the past.
[00:04:45] And so this is where it gets really interesting because I love introducing my clients to the awareness that they actually could choose to feel differently on purpose. And we don't do this to bypass emotions; we do this simply because we have the choice.
[00:05:08] So the objective of all of this work is yes, to raise the baseline of how you get to feel, but that happens because we're not resisting our emotions, and because we're not getting stuck in thought loops that keep us perpetuating and re-experiencing emotions that are connected to our thoughts. The thought-feeling combos.
[00:05:37] So just a quick reminder that if we're thinking that comment was really inappropriate about something someone said, most likely we're gonna have a negative reaction. Or if you've gotten to the place where you might think the thought, "That comment was really inappropriate, how strange," that opens up a slightly different emotional experience. If you're in a place where you aren't taking things personally and you're like, "That comment was inappropriate," maybe you could find that funny, right? But this is where our thinking really, really determines how we feel all of the time.
[00:06:21] And so Emotional Agility really comes from the expertise or the mastering of being present and available to the sensations in your body. Without making it wrong, but being able to simply observe and witness where you currently are in your emotional world.
[00:06:46] Because when all emotions are actually welcomed, when you understand that there's information, value, feedback about yourself, about your perspective, about your point of views coming from your emotional world, then you're just simply available to learn from your emotions. And if you're not making them wrong, you can actually process those emotions while being curious about what they're telling you. But I think that starts from even simply removing the label of good, bad, right or wrong.
[00:07:31] And I'll give you an example of this, because I had on Monday an audition appointment that was a callback for me, for a Broadway show that I put a lot of work into. I was going to extra dance classes. I was walking every day. I scheduled a voice lesson. I worked on the audition cut every day with my husband, and I rented a dance studio to get coached on clarifying my movement with my sister. To ensure that I knew on my end that I had done everything in my power to feel prepared, confident, at ease going into the audition week. Including, even preparing some of the cover material that I thought I could be right for.
[00:08:26] And I go to the audition on Monday, and I got cut after we danced. So I didn't get to do any of the singing that I had prepared or any of the sides I had learned or anything like that. And it was very fascinating because I had a little bit of disappointment come up. But I think when you're investing that much time and energy, like, I actually choose to do that on purpose, knowing that I can handle any disappointment. I'd rather go all in. This is just how I live my life. I'd rather go all in and be willing to handle any emotion than to pretend like I don't care. To pretend like I'm not invested or not, you know, show up in the capacity that I know I want to be prepared. Like, I do that for me.
[00:09:19] But so then, my emotional experience of the day is very different when I'm willing to be disappointed and also available and open to the fact that I was just cut and, like not moving forward with the show. My emotional experience is very different when I have the tools or the presence to feel those sensations in my body and also choose how I wanna feel on purpose. Which was proud. I wanted to feel proud. And I had decided that ahead of time, no matter what, I'm gonna feel proud. I'm gonna go in, I'm gonna do my best work, and I am going to give myself access to witnessing how great I am. While also being extremely open to the disappointment or any possible evaluation of what I could do better for the next time.
[00:10:20] Because then the growth stays with me. Then I know, oh, okay, nothing from this experience was a waste of time. It was all investment in myself. When I was so willing to know it's safe to feel disappointed, while also knowing that my thoughts are gonna contribute to the emotional experience I'm having, I just don't spend any time thinking about things that would pull me away from the ultimate result that I want to have, which is continuing to work as an actor, singer, dancer on Broadway, on film and TV.
[00:11:04] So when I know it's safe to be disappointed, but then I also don't have to make up stories about the industry or chip away at my enjoyment of my craft, or chip away at belief that eventually, I'm gonna be hired for a great project. Like, that's where the emotional agility comes into play.
[00:11:26] It's not about pretending you're not disappointed. It's not about pretending you don't feel what you feel. It's about being willing to acknowledge that, and then being so curious about what you're thinking that's making this emotion bubble up, and also being curious about what you could learn from how you feel as an indicator of where your thoughts are. As an indicator of Current Identity.
[00:11:58] Because if I'm really leaving that audition thinking like, "Great, I'm never kept. Something must be wrong. I'm not the right type. I don't have the right look." If I start making up all of these other stories that are not based on fact...
[00:12:14] like, I could be curious and use my theories to grow. I had a theory that I was out of shape. And in actuality, I felt very strong, so I was like, "Oh, I can let go of that theory," while continuing the level of physicality that I was investing in, classes and walking and upping my movement after the winter. Like, oh, I can love this and I can continue this, but I don't have to make up a story about it. I don't have to be invested in something that goes against the experience I wanna have.
[00:12:46] So we can use our best judgment to propel us forward, if we're gonna take action and if it's going to be net positive for us in our emotional experience, and also in creating results that we wanna have. So that's when I would use evaluation to look at a situation objectively to see, okay, what could I do differently next time, right?
[00:13:13] But when I understand that I don't have to shame myself, blame myself, blame the industry, blame my spouse, blame my family for how I feel, what I start taking radical responsibility of is my emotional experience, and that's something we all can do all of the time.
[00:13:40] I'll give you another example of this, because ironically, the day after this appointment, I had jury duty, and not just any jury duty, grand jury duty. And so I got called, and I'm sitting there imagining like, yeah, I think I'm gonna be one of the people that gets released. And I was very relaxed. I knew that they only pick a certain amount of people. And as I'm sitting there, they start doing the, like, raffle style drawing for who's gonna be on the grand jury. My name gets called. And of course, at first you have that sinking feeling, or at least I did. I was like, "Oh, fuck." Like, okay. I better buckle up 'cause now I'm gonna be in jury duty for the next, I don't know, 10 days or so. And I noticed I was a little bit frustrated.
[00:14:41] Like, the emotional experiences I have now on a one to 10 scale are, like, most of the time around a three or a four. They're not intense for me because- I've also learned not to argue with reality. So I'm not sitting there being like, "This sucks. I shouldn't have been picked." Like, I noticed a twinge of, like, frustration or disappointment, like, "Oh, my name was called. All right." And I'm sitting in the bench, and I'm like, " Well, my name was called."
[00:15:15] And now, because I know that my thoughts are gonna create how I feel in my body, I'm also really aware of being present with where I'm at, right? I'm not gonna say, "This shouldn't be happening," because clearly it's happening. I'm sitting in the bench. I'm picked for jury duty, and now I'm, like, getting sworn in.
[00:15:41] And what happened, and I do this so naturally now, is that... and maybe this is a whole other episode, is that I walk myself into the emotional experience I wanna have. I don't wanna be anywhere in life feeling like my time is being wasted, feeling like, it's wrong, that this is a bad thing. I just don't wanna have that experience.
[00:16:06] So I watched myself slowly walk myself into feeling really good about jury duty and finding ways that it felt incredible. And actually, one of my core beliefs is that things are always working out for me. So my mind immediately went to the place where it's like, "Well, I was picked, so there must be a reason. I'm here for a reason. This is happening on purpose, perfectly timed. This is good for me."
[00:16:41] I was like, how excellent and ironic and somewhat funny. Instead of having final callbacks for a Broadway show, I'm having jury duty. But guess what? I'm not in a show right now, so this isn't a major conflict for me. I have a career where I can move client calls around. I have a flexible lifestyle. I am really good at being objective and fair. Like, I'll be a great juror. And come to find out, I guess a lot of jury duty sometimes can be weeks or even a month, and the fact that I got picked for grand jury that is only gonna be 10 days is actually, like, one of the shortest amounts that you can serve, ever.
[00:17:23] But then see how my emotional agility moves because my thinking moves, right? My emotional experience moves because of my thinking.
[00:17:35] So to break it down like I broke it down for my husband, this work is not about avoiding negative feelings. It's not about making negative feelings wrong when they come up, or thinking you should be managing your mind better, that you avoid negative emotion at all cost. That's not it. We do start feeling more positive emotion more of the time only because we've gotten so comfortable and familiar with all of our emotions.
[00:18:04] It's not about never feeling frustrated or disappointed or sad or angry. It's about actually the exact opposite. It's about welcoming all of those emotions into your body and getting really comfortable with them, becoming familiar with them so that you're not behaving in a way to try to avoid them.
[00:18:26] But that you could be at the party and still have a great time, even if someone is there that you don't really get along with, right? It's like, "Okay, you're welcome here. I don't have to spend all my time with you, but I don't have to, like, avoid you at this party because your presence doesn't separate me from me."
[00:18:49] It's the understanding that you can be really good at feeling uncomfortable. And when you get more comfortable being uncomfortable, what happens is you start moving through life differently because you're actually available to support yourself through the hard moments, and you understand that that's part of the journey of being extraordinary, right?
[00:19:15] You don't get to have an extraordinary life bypassing or avoiding or trying to escape from negative emotion. Like, negative emotions are going to come up. And I'll say, like, I think even giving it the label of negative emotion sometimes has a connotation, but for ease, that's how I'm labeling them right now because I think we all understand what I mean.
[00:19:41] But the emotions that we think are less favorable, shame, wrongness, embarrassment, all of those emotions, if we're really willing to feel them, we become completely powerful. We become completely present, and we become completely aware of where we are at in our minds and bodies.
[00:20:09] And then on top of that, when you have the skills of processing and being with your emotions, I think that's when the emotions can be way less intense. That's when you're redirecting your mind. Like, I could have really revved myself up and been so annoyed that I got picked for jury duty. Instead, within like 30 seconds, I was already finding all the positive reasons for a scenario. And even if you're in a situation where you're like, "Yeah, but I can't find any reason why this is happening," like, if you sit with it long enough, you'll find it, and you could choose it. And even still, even if you can't find it, you could at least find the place where you're like, "This is frustrating, and I can be with myself while I'm frustrated."
[00:20:57] So the emotional experience becomes less intense when you have the emotional agility because you're really allowing and making space for your entire human experience, not just part of it.
[00:21:11] So that's what I got for you today. We're here doing this work to befriend all of our emotions, to get comfortable with all of our emotions so that when they come up, we're not also trying to navigate fear about what we're feeling or worry or anxiety about how we feel because we're not layering on what I call The Second Layer of judgment, of wrongness, of storyline about what it means.
[00:21:48] We're just understanding that as human beings, we opted into this life and we get to be willing to engage with all of it. All right.
[00:21:58] I'll meet you back here
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